Today I started EMDR. My goodness, the pain you feel after a traumatic event is indescribable. This is especially true when you have never addressed first trauma from your childhood. Have you ever heard of the book, The Body Keeps The Score, by Besser Van De Kolk, M. D.
For context let me start with the most recent trauma. My step son’s appendix burst on 04/21/2025. We were in the hospital in our city for 10 days in the Pediatric ICU. Then, on 6/1/2025, we were Medi-vacced to Primary Children’s Hospital in Salt Lake City. We spent 28 more days in the Pediatric ICU in Salt Lake City. Our son was intubated for most of this time. It seemed like a never ending nightmare. Every day in the ICU our son had a new emergency/threat to his life. This was by far the most traumatic experience of my entire life and it lasted 67 days. Our son has a very long road of recovery ahead of him. Still, he should make a full recovery within 2-3 years.
I held it together for my entire family. I know any mother would do the same. However, once our son was discharged from the hospital, I completely fell apart. My nervous system decided is was going to stay in panic mode. I was so confused why I could not pull it together. I started feeling guilt and shame because my behavior was erratic and aggressive. I spent 5 days in a full blown panic attack before I decided I should go to the ER. (I am a person in long term recovery. I delayed going to the ER for 5 days. I feared they would give me benzodiazepines for the panic attacks, which terrified me.)
I did not understand something through all of this pain. It was not completely linked to what happened to my son.
I carry a heavy burden of childhood trauma. For a long time, I believed that recovery and 12-step programs would be the answers to my struggles. I was mistaken. The ironic part of this journey is that I haven’t been on psychotropic medications for quite some time. I also have not been in therapy. I was convinced that I didn’t need them. I managed my mental health without therapy or medication. I was peaceful, for the most part. Or so I thought. It took one traumatic event (a very serious traumatic event) to put me into psychosis.
I am really excited for this journey of healing. I have put it off for far too long out of fear that I would fall apart. How funny is it that because I did not heal from my trauma, I fell apart.
If you have trauma in your past, and you have not done the work to heal, take action. Do yourself a favor and sign up for EMDR. I have only done one session and already I feel some relief. I will continue to heal so I do not bleed on people who didn’t cut me.
Muggle Struggles 